Having you

I'm lying if I say my past marriage doesn't affect me as a person. No, how can that be, as much as I want to deny, it has changed me. Good and bad. I love my new life, I learn how to treasure things that truly meaningful to me but there is still this little voice in my head that keep telling me not to trust easily, not to fall in too fast.. but I am who I am, I am not a person that is smart in this game, I am terrible in protecting myself, so I've been having this tussle with myself.

I'm having trust issue, out of my control, that's what the trauma has shaped me. Then, till I met you, someone who I know I can truly count on, someone who accept me wholeheartedly. Thank you for walking into my life. I want to be the person you can count on, too.

Love is

Love is, when your bf can't stand the smell of the stinky tofu yet he go along with it for you to have it. 😁

Happy New Year 2021!

Many has said 2020 is a terrible year. But to me it’s nothing close to bad because I’ve never been so productive before. This year, I finally quit from the firm that I worked for almost 9 years. It was never an easy decision to step out from a comfort zone but I’m glad that I did that, it’s something new to me but that push me to learn and grow. I also got myself a total of FIVE certifications in merely a year! Not to mention the new hobby like hiking, cycling and yoga that help me lost almost 6kg since April, and I feel great about it. I would like to continue working on my diet/exercise regime in this coming new year and hopefully to shed off another 2-3kg and maintain it.  

There were so many changes in this year, some are bad but most of it are good. I guess the biggest change was I got finally/legally divorced just right when I stepped into 2020, I wasn't too emotional over it when that happened but was more like feeling relief, because I knew it will only gets better. However thing was still in a mess in the beginning and I was losing my mind and made some mistake that I still regret until now. I struggled but eventually got it over and now move on with a new life that I'm feeling blessed.

 

I’ve started working from home since March and albeit I felt disconnected from friends and colleagues in the beginning but it turn out I got even closer with many of them because we just learn to treasure the company more. If there is a silver lining of this pandermic, it’s that it teaches us not to take things for granted; the freedom we used to have, the convenience of driving/flying home, spending time with the people we care ... 

 

2020 didn’t start off great but it surprise me as one of the best year for me, I’m hopeful for my new chapter in 2021. In this coming new year let us all stay safe, stay positive and stay happy.

Marriage Story

Watched the marriage story. The movie is so real and it’s so heavy for me especially with what I’ve been through for the past one year. Getting a divorce is grief-filled, it’s ugly, it’s painful, it’s just one of the thing you don’t want to do but you just have to do it. It gets even more complicated when there are kids involved. You want to protect the kids and remove them from the battle between you and your soon-to-be-ex but the fact is you get into the battle for the kids. Fighting in a divorce law suit is difficult and tiring, but I will never give up what my kids deserve although it could be hurtful to me to be accused unnecessarily.

I’ve lost a husband, I was betrayed, to be honest there is so much hatred in me towards him, but he is the father of my kids, I will put them in front of everything even my own life, I don't want them to lose a father. So I just gotta swallow all the bitterness and let him continue being the father of my kids.

It just got me recalled before married. I’m always proud of myself, I’m independent, I’m financially self sufficient, I’m not-dumb and not-unattractive, but after we got into marriage, I just went along with him and his life because I thought that’s what a wife should do. Eventually I just got smaller and smaller until I lost myself, but I thought that was fine, although I feel small but I just tell myself to own it, be a wife and a mother, that’s enough, and I thought at least all my devotion would be appreciated, but heck no, he got sick of me when I wore out myself to be the mother of his kids.

It's ok, I've failed my marriage but I'm proud of myself once again to have this strength to walk out from this disastrous marriage.

And this, right now, is the worst time, it will only get better. The waiting is the hardest part.

Happy birthday to myself

I'm thankful with all the birthday wishes I received, it truly made my day. It's a different birthday for me this year, it's the first time I'm spending it without someone I call a partner after a decade. There is no celebration, nor expensive gift, nor romantic dinner, but I'm at peace and I'm feeling contented. I'm counting my blessing for I have food to eat, clothes to wear, a place to sleep, a job I like and supportive friends and family who have stand by me to pull through this difficult time, and most importantly, my two lovely girls who loves me more than anything else. It's ok, I lost my husband but I gain back myself, I've loved, I've lost and I've learnt. Now I am back, welcome back.

it's been a while

it's been a while since I last blog....

It was two years ago since my last post.. look back what have I done for the past two years, what else besides my new responsibility as a mom, while still struggling to adapt to this not-so-new place...

My cousin, Chung Hoe has passed away two days ago, and this make me wanna return to write something here. It's really painful to me as we have very close age gap and we grow up together from Kampung Pasir to Lobak.. I'm one of the youngest in the family hence he is one of the few cousin who calls me Jie Jie. There is so much emotion I have but it's too painful to put it into word.. I just don't want to think about it anymore and life goes on..

It's even more painful when I can't be there to pay my last respect to him coz Im pregnant and was told not to attend the funeral. I know my relatives just loves me and don't want anything happen on me so I don't insist, I don't want them to worry about me. Time like this makes me feel so sorrow for being home away, feeling so helpless and left out for not being able to be there for all the person I care. Everytime I miss a family gathering or trip I feel a sense of emptiness and lost.

36w/6d

One more week and I'm officially full term. I've gained a total of 12kg now. Well, not too bad... hope the next few weeks can go easy on me.

Probably due to too much walking over the weekend, baby is kicking really actively and I can feel the contraction in my uterus for the past few days. It makes my belly rock hard and worse I had some spotting... I thought I'm going into labor anytime soon but I didn't feel any pain so Dr just told me not yet. But Dr also mentioned since I'm into 37 weeks soon so he is not too worry if baby want to pop out anytime now. Moreover, baby is already 2.9kg! It's a bit big considering my petite size. Alright alright, I shall walk more..

Third trimester has not been easy for me, past few weeks I had serious rib pain and it felt like a knife stabbing into my rib cage everytime I lie down and get up from bed. Then I constantly feel the numbness in my palm and feet. Not to mention the frequent urination, short of breath, fatigue and STRETCH MARK!!!! If there is one thing I'm happy with, my feet size has grown one size bigger, I hope it stay in this size so no more kid department shopping for my shoes after this.

Anyway, it's the final countdown now. I can't wait to see my baby come into the world; in my arm crying and kicking. Pray for my baby to be healthy and strong, pray for a smooth delivery process with no complication, pray for a enjoyable confinement period for baby, the dad and myself.